God uses yuck, doesn't He? He can use anything to reveal Himself to us, for His glory, including the yuck, disappointment, sorrow, and trials in our lives. That's exactly what He did for me yesterday- He used my yuck. And as much as my heart ached because of my own sin, I am so thankful for the the lesson He taught me.
Four Hershey kisses. That's how it all started. An argument between our little girls over four Hershey kisses.
Disclaimer: I am about to be super transparent here, friends. If I was going to try to justify my behavior before man, or in this case, justify my behavior in this blog post, I would make some excuses. But that would be silly, because the real reason for my behavior is very simple. My own sin. My own selfishness, prideful yuck. It's that simple.
Okay, back to the chocolate dispute. The girls were wanting to eat the chocolate but Bella, our three year old, was holding the ziploc bag of treats. And from what I could overhear, Bella was only going to give Wubs one chocolate. Now Wubs, being our wise little five year old, was explaining that wasn't fair, as both girls should recieve two chocolates each. I had just sat down in our office, in an attempt to get a few emails sent out for my job at church, and I was so hopeful the two girls could settle this matter on their own. But one thing led to another and it was abundantly clear that I needed to intervene. Unfortunately, I didn't help our children in a Godly-mommy manner. I didn't use a kind voice and I used body language that expressed my frustation. Both our children stood in a stunned shock as I proceeded to jerk the baggie from Bella, slap down the chocolates separated into two even groups onto the couch, and angrily speak (far too many words) to express my disappointment in their lack of ability to work together to solve a problem. Yuck. Then I left the living room and went to the office and closed the door behind me. I was fuming! Isn't that stupid? I was all worked up over n-o-t-h-i-n-g. I went back to the living room, picked up the basket of toys the girls had been using and directed Bella to go potty for nap and told Wubs to wait at the kitchen table for homeschool. Both girls did exactly as they were told- neither of them daring to challenge their crazed mother on a rampage. wink.
I put Bella down for her nap, gave Wubs brief instructions to get her started on her math, and I went to take a shower. About 10 minutes had passed since my little outburst, and as soon as I stepped into the shower, the Holy Spirit convicted my heart. I began to sob. What had just happened?? I cried out to God for forgiveness for my behavior.
As I was coming out of the bathroom, Wubs cautiously approached me. I got down on my knees so we could be eye level and I hugged her. Then I just started crying. She started to cry too! I asked her to forgive me, and I explained mommies make mistakes too. I confessed to her that I behaved in a way that wasn't pleasing to God and that I had prayed for God to forgive me. We hugged and cried together... and I have to say... it was one of my sweetest memories to date with my oldest daughter. God used my yuck, to show me my own sin, to keep my eyes on Him rather than my to do list, and to show my daughter my dependance on the Lord. When Bella woke up, I asked her to forgive me as well. Our precious girls- neither of them hesitated when I asked for their forgiveness. And when I was talking to David over dinner last night, I started to cry as I recounted my behavior to him. He reassurred me and he encouraged me. God has certainly spoiled this wife and mommy! I don't deserve their love and I certainly could never earn God's love, but praise the Lord- Jesus already paid the price for my sins! I could never thank Him enough.
"Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective. "- James 5:16